


I´m a mess (but you love me anyway)

by giulialeal



Category: Ghostbusters - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Internalized Biphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 23:44:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7778281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giulialeal/pseuds/giulialeal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Erin Gilbert is a mess. She knows this. Her parents know this. Everyone she knows made sure she knew. "</p><p>or</p><p>Erin need to deal with her anxiety, her internalized biphobia and her feelings for Holtz.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I´m a mess (but you love me anyway)

**Author's Note:**

> I corrected the grammar problems, I so sorry for the mistakes  
> I hope you can enjoy better now

Erin Gilbert is a mess. She knows this. Her parents know this. Everyone she knows make sure she know. It has always being like this, she was the weird kid who claims to see a ghost and she was the weird kid who did therapy because of that. But then she made a friend that was such a mess like she, Abby was the joy that came to her life. But then she was the weird kid who had a crush on her best friend. She was 12 when she kissed Abby to “practice”, they only did that one time, they never talk about it anymore and then one day Abby appear with a girlfriend. Erin doesn’t remember her name, but she remembered her being beautiful and she has ginger hair. Erin didn't get jealous because her old crush has a girlfriend; she got jealous because they didn't care. Abby and her girlfriend didn’t care about what people would say or what they could do; Erin knew that Abby´s parents were more opened mind about everything, differently from her parents. She envies Abby because she wasn’t afraid.

And she was afraid of everything. She freaked out when she was 12 and wanted to kiss her best friend, she freaked out when she was 14 and she catches herself looking legs of other girls, she freaked out when she looked in the public library a word to explain what those feelings were. Because she couldn’t be a lesbian like Abby was, because she looked at boys too. So when she saw the word bisexual she didn’t knew how to react. So she freaked out.

But then she kind fell in love with the new boy in her class and she would daydream about him, but he never looked at her, why would he? Why would anyone ever look at her? But it didn’t really matter because it was a safe crush, a simple crush on a boy, she could handle this. And then Abby broke up with her girlfriend and she couldn’t care about herself because her best friend was crying in her room and she could only hug her. So she buried all of her feeling inside because in the end, it didn’t matter who she loved, love would break her like this.

When they graduate from high school Abby wanted to write a book, about ghost and supernatural stuff, and she wrote. It took almost six year for them to finished but it was worth it. And then it wasn’t. And then she freaked out becausethe disappointment in the eyes of his parents broke her again.

“You are 25 year stop doing this to claim attention!” she remembered her dad screaming at her. The last thing she wanted was to bring attention to her. So she stopped. And as an effect of this, she stopped talking to Abby too.

She never did anything reckless in her life. Her anxiety didn’t let her do that. She dated a guy when she was 26, he was tall and nice and also a scientist, and she could fall in love with him so easy, and that’s what she did, she fell in love with the idea of falling in love with someone who was safe; but she really liked him and then he broke up with her because she was a mess

After this she swallows herself in her job, and she liked. She had a safe job, a respectful safe job, her parents were proud of her and things were doing fine.

And then she saw her name in that book and everything changed.

So this is how she ended in a job paid - really good paid - for the government to research ghost and supernatural creature, together with Abby, again. And nothing about this was safe. Especially because of Holtzmann, well, it wasn’t really safe because the engineer set things on fire at least four times a day, it wasn’t  safe because, you know, ghost; but the most scary thing here is her feelings about the crazy engineer who flirt and danced with her– and with everyone. So she develops her crush on Kevin, the beautiful and dumb kevin, a safe crush.

“Hey? Erin?” She looks at Patty who is shaking her hand in front of her head “Are you okay? You space out right now, c'mon, we have a ghost to hunt”.

“Yeah I´m fine... Just thinking” She said and she look at Patty's worried expression “Is nothing let's go hunting this.”

 

She almost died, but this is life now. But she really doesn't care about how dizzy she is feeling, because she is being cared by Holtz.

“Erin, are you okay now?” Holtz talks to her and how, how after all this running she still smells good?

“I´m fine really, I just need to take a shower and sleep till my head stop hurting.” So she walks slowly to her new room, take her clothes off and go cry in the shower.

She cried because the ghost pushed her so fast that she didn’t had time to do anything, and she cried because her head hurt from the fall, and she cried because Holtz smell good. She had to stop crying because a worried Holtz was asking her if she was alive; she laughs and puts her clothes, anticipating her comfy bed, but then Holtz is in the bed with a worried look.

“Hey” she said “How are you feeling?”

“My head hurt”  She looks at Holtz.

“Were you crying?” Holtz asked and she wasn’t expecting this so she just looks at her feet and sits on the edge of the bed, far away from her.

“My head hurt” She said, without looking at Holtz, because she knows that if she look at those blue eyes she´ll break. “I need to sleep.”

Is the last thing she said, anshe wasn't looking at her but she know she got sad and she hate herself for making Holtz sad. But Holtz doesn't asked more questions and left you alone. 

She had a nightmare that night, she woke screaming and crying, but she wasn’t alone, Holtz was at her side, Abby and Patty were at the door, they looked worried, and she couldn't breathe, her lungs don't accept the oxygen and she try to talk but she just couldn't. But then Holtz hugs her, she put her head into her chest and then she said beautiful things for her, she said that you were safe and it was just a bad dream, she explained how the stars were that night, she asked you to breathe and she can hear her heartbeats, she can feel her chest and her soft hands on her hair, she thinks she kissed her forehead because she feels burning, and she doesn´t know if she wants to cry or just be able to hug her too, she ended crying, because she is a mess. She hears her saying something to Patty and Abby and they were gone, and she ended falling asleep in her arms and she felt safe.

But then Holtz wasn’t there when she woke up, and she didn’t want to be sad about this, but she still could feel her lips on her forehead. So she takes a shower, a fast one because she is hungry and because she wants to see Holtz.

“Look who woke up” Abby said when she see you and all the girls were in the table, and kevin and another guy she didn't knew

“For you sleeping beauty” Holtz said giving to her a pancake and a smirk and she could feel her face getting red.

“Hi Erin so this is Stuart my boyfriend”  Kevin announces smiling bright  “We are already going I just needed to see if I could take a day off, but then Patty did some deliciously pancake and we ended staying but we have to go now.” Then the two got up and left holding hands.

And she couldn´t breathe again.

“They make me remember how I want a girlfriend” Abby said and Holtz laughs.

“Yeah me too” Holtz said winking at Erin, probably to flirt, but she wasn´t looking , she just wanted to breathe.  “Erin?”  She heard Holtz calling her name, and she love how she talks her name and how soft it sounds. 

“I´m fine” It’s what she can say before running to the bathroom.

 

“What?” Holtz says looking to Abby and Patty “Happened?”

“Did the ghost hurt her that badly?” Patty asked

“It wasn’t the ghost” Abby said.

“Did someone hurt her?” Holtz asked worried, if someone had done something to Erin she would kill the person or build something to kill the person.

But Abby didn't answer her and this just made Holtz get more worried, so she went after Erin only to find the bathroom door open and a scared Erin looking at her.

“I´m thought I had locked” Erin whispers. She is hugging her legs and she looks so small. Holtz entered the bathroom and locked the door.

“It´s locked now” She said and Erin isn’t looking at her.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” Erin asked, her voice is trembling and her body is shaking. The question itself surprise Holtz.

“No” She answers.

“Kevin is gay?” Erin asked again, her voice no much then a whispers.

“Bisexual actually… Are you… Are you sad because you are jealous of him?” Holtz voice broke and trembled.

“Yes” Erin answer.

“oh…” Holtz voice trembles again, Erin can hear the sadness in Holtz voice and before she think, she is already saying.

“Is not this, is not what you are thinking about… I don’t… like him like that” she said and she dares to look at Holtz and there's confusion in her face but also concern.

Holtz sits next to her and she tried to touch her but she run from her touch and she could see the sadness in her eyes even without looking at her. And she wants to say that she is going to break if she touches you. But right now, she wants to break.

So she look at her and she is smiling at you and she forgot how to breath, but is in a good way.

“I am jealous of him because he is not scared. I… I told my parents when I was 16 that I liked girls as well… they shouted at me saying I was doing this for attention, and maybe I was, I believed in them when they told me ghost didn’t exist and I was just a lonely kid doing this for attention and… and I was doing the same again. I don’t… ”

“Hey” Holtz pulled her close and she allowed herself to feel her, so she rested her head on her shoulder “You are not doing anything, okay, fuck what your parents said, they were lying, they don’t know anything.”

She looked at Holtz eyes and her messy hair and she can see how concerned she looked but she´s still giving you a smile, she try to smile too.

“I like when you smile, don’t like when you cry” Holtz said, and she want to kiss her, and suddenly every fear or shame or whatever she used to feel is gone, and is just her, is just Jillian Holtzmann and nothing to worry about.

“Can I kiss you?” she asks touching her face, she doesn't look at her eyes, because she doesn't know what she is going to do if she says no.

‘You really, really don’t have to ask this” She said.

 And she is looking at her lips and she kiss slowly and Holtz lips are soft like she imagined, and she is kissing you too, is not too much, is not fast and desperate, is not like in movies, but is safe. A new kind of safety.

A kind of safety that is going to take time for her to understand.  But she is okay in trying.

Holtz is not doing anything, she is just looking at her, and Erin still felt like there was fireworks inside of her, so she kissed her again and again.

“We can continue this after you take breakfast okay? And the girls are really worried about you.”

“They…” she looks at Holtz and she feels shame and fear again.

They love you, there´s nothing to be scare off, I promise ok” and she kisses you again and she realize how small Holtz is and she laughs and Holtz doesn’t asks why, , she just take your hand and leads you to the kitchen, Patty and Abby look at you two and they are just smiling

Finally!”  Patty said when she see you two, she blushes and smiles.

“She´s still is a mess and sometimes it look like she is going to break, but she is not a mess alone and she won’t break alone. She feels safe

 


End file.
